I am going to war

I am on an airplane going from L.A. to Detroit. I am going off to war. I am a girlie-girl. Although my only sibling is a brother 14 months younger than me, I never enjoyed playing G.I. Joe, truthfully I never even understood she-ra (but I did like her white and gold outfit with the boots). I was more interested in Barbie and her dream house, and cabbage patch kids. Even my little pony, but not war games or sword fighting.

This past year, Matt, a Zimbabwean friend has taught me a little about what it means to be a warrior princess. The first time I heard that title was in the book Captivating. This book changed my life, however almost all of the other chapters seemed more important to my journey than #11 ‘Warrior Princess’. I never skip over it, I always read it, but not nearly as much of that chapter is highlighted, underlined and scribbled next to as the others. Until now.

Matt reminds me on a regular basis that I am a Warrior Princess. The first time he said that, I bought the princess part. Anyone who knows me gets that I embrace my desire to be a princess, but a warrior? That sounds tough, like a girl who works hard and doesn’t mind getting dirty. (That does not sound like me).

Over the past three weeks God has been working overtime on my heart in regards to my relationship with my father. The last time I saw him was three weeks ago when I left my family in Michigan and returned to California. The pas few years, I have gotten better with how I deal with the pain of our relationship, but on this trip I felt really convicted after I left in regards to how I treated him. I wasn’t loving.

My dad never fought for me. As a young girl I can remember my dad fighting. I have seen him fight verbally with harsh, sometimes cruel words. I have seen him fight physically, sometimes against my mother and other times against other men we knew. I know my dad can fight, but I have never seen him fight for me.

When my mom and dad lost custody of me and my brother, I needed him to fight for me. He didn’t, he let go and turned away. That rejection shaped how I viewed myself for the next 20 years.

In Captivating, John and Stasi Eldridge write, “The horror that abusive fathers inflict on their daughters wounds their souls to the very core. It breaks their hearts, ushers in shame and ambivalence and a host of defensive strategies that shut down our feminine hearts. But at least the assault is obvious. The pain that absent fathers inflict on their daughters is damaging as well, but far harder to see.” (Pg 65)

Each time I read that paragraph, I expect it to sting less, but it never does. The damage inflicted to my heart because of the abuse and loss of relationship with my father has surfaced so many times, in so many ways. The most obvious in my relationship with men: teachers, boyfriends, bosses etc.

I have been to therapists, I have become a therapist, I have prayed, I have read, I have journaled and through it all I have been surprised when something would happen and that feeling surfaces from deep inside and says, “I hate my father.” Those are not words that I am proud of, but they have been there.

Today I go to battle.

I believe that I have an enemy. I believe he is called Satan. I believe he wanted my soul and is angry that he lost it. I believe he wants to see me in the bondage of anger, pain and unforgiveness. I believe God has called me into a place of forgiveness. I have been forgiven of so much, so I know I am expected to forgive for so much.

The enemy of my soul wants to attack my relationships. He tries with my friendships, my peer relationships, my romantic relationships and especially my family relationships. For 20 years I have interacted badly with my father, although not frequently, it has been consistent, whenever we saw him. I have been rude and disrespectful or at a bare minimum I have been cold and distant. He probably deserves this, the world tells me that. The world lies. God has forgiven my dad for hurting his children and his family. The truth is: I must forgive him too, and act like it.

For 19 years I have been unaware of the enemies tactics, but not anymore. Today I do not go into battle unaware. Captivating and my friend Matt have taught me that I am the Bride of Christ, a warring bride. My heart is needed and I am needed in the war we collectively are engaged in.

“Women are not meant to be helpless creatures. God has given us a fierceness that is holy and is to be used on behalf of others.” (Captivating, Pg 196) I have gone to battle before. Some of you have seen this, some have heard about it, and some have battled along side of me. I have no problem going to battle for my friends, my family and even strangers. But I have been tricked. My whole life I have been confused. I have been fighting against my father instead of for him. Tonight Satan loses. Tonight on this airplane I take a stand and I declare war. I am going to battle and the enemy of my father’s soul is weak. He who is in me is strong, we will win.
My father was supposed to fight for me, but he was unprepared and unable. I have to be okay with this now, Captivating tells me:

“Men are warriors. It is a powerful good when a man battles for a woman’s heart and stands between her and her enemies. But often, there is not a man present in a woman’s life to fight on her behalf. And even when there is, God desires the woman’s spirit to rise up in his strength as well.” (Pg 195)

The authors teach us that this is one of the ways we grow in Christ: warfare. “Women need to grow as warriors because we, too, were created to reign.”

I have believed a lie. I have believed that being a warrior reduced my beauty and my femininity. Made me less tender and merciful, that it took away the special qualities of my girlie princess-like heart. Today I believe that women warriors are strong, wise, beautiful, courageous and victorious. Women like my heroes: Mother Theresa, Ester, Mary, Kay Warren, Beth Moore and my friends Julie and Deanna.

“Women warriors are strong, yes, and they are also tender. There is mercy in them. There is vulnerability. In fact, offering a tender vulnerability can only be done by an incredibly strong woman, a woman rooted in Christ Jesus who knows whose she is and therefore knows who she is.” (Captivating, Pg 199)

A Warrior Princess puts on the full armor of God each and every day and takes an immovable stance against the power of darkness.

So tonight as I am on the airplane going home for battle, I ask that you pray for me and my dad. That you pray for me as I put on the full armor of God as described in Ephesians 6:10-18. That you keep praying because this has been a long time in the making and I don’t expect it to be easy. I am battling for my own heart and the heart of my father.

Tonight I prepare for battle, and I have never felt more strong, beautiful, feminine, courageous, tender, merciful, loving and engaged.

Tonight I prepare for battle, I am a Warrior Princess.

Who knows, when the battle is over you might just find me getting a manicure…. I will probably need it :-)

And do me a favor... if you haven't read captivating, go out and buy 2 copies... one for you and one for your best friend. Read it....more than once, i have never met a woman who wasn't different opening that book.