Team Chari: On Rising

We have one little girl learning how to ride a bike despite massive balance and coordination challenges.  We have another little girl learning how to walk.  I think the timing for both is God’s providence in our life as a family. 

 

They get to see each other falling and getting back up! It’s beautiful! They cheer each other on and there is no shame for the one taking her first fumbled steps, nor is there any shame for the one struggling to keep the bike upright.  I LOVE IT.  One of the most important things I get to do as a mommy is to teach my children that there is no shame in and no reason to fear, falling down.  

Ride, Baby Ride!

People often ask why I am so willing to publicly talk about my shortcomings, character flaws and outright failures.  THIS IS WHY.  We live our lives in front of our children, publicly and privately, in a way that says, “Falling down isn’t shameful, it doesn’t define who we are, it simply provides an opportunity to rise again.  Wiser, more experienced, more prepared, better, stronger.” 

Sometimes that means that we screw up the whole parenting thing.  Ruptured relationships are platforms for repaired relationships.  Sometimes it means I am dishonest —I once had to sing a song in Shona to get away with not having a radio license (I didn’t have any cash in that instance, but there were other times that I did and still didn’t pay.) And have to apologize to my kiddos for not telling the truth. (BUT COME ON PEOPLE, I WOULD LIKE CREDIT FOR THE FACT THAT 2016 is the year of the Chari family radio license.)   Sometimes it means that things we try to accomplish at work, at home, in relationships just fail—and we have to show them that we can get back up again!  Living in a cross-cultural, inter-racial marriage with all the other differences we certainly allows for a lot of getting it wrong! One of the things that our girls know for sure is that the Chari’s are risers.  We have not stated this verbally, but we have shown them time and time again. 

Nyash and I have learned that the most powerful moments we have with our children are the imperfect ones.  We try really hard to implement strategies at home that are going to help them grow into strong, brave, kind women.  However, we are aware that who we are is a more accurate predictor of our children’s success than what we know about parenting.  This is really what attachment rich parenting is about: how we relate, how we engage when we are hurt or struggle or are different. How resilient we are—this is what our children glean from us, just by being ours.  We cannot give our kids what we do not have.   We cannot teach them to be unafraid of failure if we never fail and recover or if we are afraid someone might know that we fail!

Walk, Baby Walk!

If we do not think that we are precious regardless of what is undone, messed up, vulnerable or scary – our kids are going to second guess their preciousness as well.  When I know I am precious, I am free to say “this is who I am. “  Are we placing conditions on preciousness? Prerequisites like success?  There is no room for shame in our home.  I might be a girl who did some bad things and those things brought about feelings of guilt, because I was guilty—the definition of guilty is simply someone who has done something they shouldn’t.  Shame is something else entirely… shame says there is something wrong with ME.  Shame takes away my preciousness.  When we engage with our families we must understand that when we mess up and when they mess up, it doesn’t change who we are—we are still precious people, we have just done something wrong. 

Our kids are willing to fall in front of each other because they have learned how to get back up!  Our kids are willing to get it wrong because we are willing to live with failures out in the open.  Brene Brown says, “With skinned knees and bruised hearts we choose to own our stories of struggle over hiding, hustling and pretending.”     

Our courage comes from facing our failures or shortcoming head on.  The failures we face with honesty are the ones that are unable to define us. 

Beautiful sisters: Hand Holders, Lifter-upers, Cheerleaders. Fallers. Risers.

So here’s to our girls, the one learning to walk and the one learning to ride.  May your heart never fear the fall, may you always find courage to get back up and may you learn at a younger age than your daddy and I did that it’s in the falling and rising that you are made strong.  We love you girls so very much, you are our crowning glory and it is for you that we do not hide.  We are more fearful of you not loving who you are than we are of what others might think of our weaknesses.  Be brave. Be kind. Be you. 

Lessons from my life as a 31 year old (Part two)

1.     6. Worshiping in the dark is still worship

I have had some really dark days in my year as a 31 year old.  Difficult days in which love hurt… days in which babies died and good seem to lose out to evil.  Days that hurt deeply and left me wondering where God was.  I am glad that God gives me the opportunity to question because in those moments of doubt He often teaches me something magnificent about His character.  

Throughout these difficult days, I have never stopped trusting Him.  I could still recognize His greatness and I still had a desire to follow Him.  I learned from a very wise woman to, choose the risk of love even in the midst of the worst devastation.  I have learned that when I chose the risk of love, I have never once been disappointed. 

On these days, an album by Chris Tomlin has helped me give words to express my feelings. 

Some of the lyrics that have come from my lips as tears poured from my eyes and my heart worshiped are these:

I lift my hands to believe again

You are my refuge you are my strength

As I pour out my heart these things I remember,

You are faithful God, forever

Let faith arise, Let faith arise

Open my eyes, open my eyes

________________________

Where you go I’ll go. Where you stay I’ll stay

When you move I’ll move. I will follow You.

Who You love I’ll love. How You serve, I’ll serve.

With this life I lose I will follow You.

___________________________

Our God is greater. Our God is stronger

God You are higher than any other.

Our God is healer. Awesome in Power.

Our God, Our God.

And if our God is for us then who could ever stop us?

And if our God is with us then what could stand against us?

And if our God is for us then who could ever stop us?

And if our God is with us then what could stand against us?

I think Rick Warren’s wisdom sums up this lesson for me.  He said, “When you feel abandoned by God yet continue to trust Him, you worship Him in the deepest way.”

2.       7. Difficult does not mean impossible & Possible does not mean easy

“Because a thing seems difficult for you do not think it is impossible” Marcus Aurelius

During my last few days as a 31 year old, I received an email from a friend who said, “Life in Africa is hard… I am amazed that you have lived here for so long now…” I began thinking over my time here and how life in Zimbabwe has been difficult for me.  There have so many moments where I wanted to give up, walk away and return to my “real life”.  But throughout this last year especially, I have learned that difficult is not the same as impossible.  I have found that with God, things that would have been impossible for me, have instead just been difficult.  

The Bible says that “With God all things are possible”  I have learned this to be true, however I’ve also had to accept that this doesn’t mean “With God all things are easy and painless.”

3.       8. It all works together

In my old house in Vic Falls, I had an office and when I would learn a valuable lesson or hear something that I needed to remember I would write it down and stick it to the wall.  I had a wall full of little lessons I wanted to carry with me.  When I moved I pulled many of them down and kept them with me in an envelope.  In my room in Highfields, I did the same thing… around my desk were little notes stuck everywhere on the way. 

 

Recently I have begun working on a project that feels like the BIG ONE.  The thing that all the other things were leading up to.  I know from past experience that God absolutely does use all things together for good and so as I started laying out my thoughts about how to get started on this project, I started thinking back to the lessons I have learned to prepare me for this work.  

I thought about Munya and Bothwell, little boys who stole my heart on the streets of Vic Falls. I thought about their families.  I thought about all of the families I counseled, who have taught me so much. I thought of blind Mr. Who and what his life and struggles showed me.  I thought of ghettoes and villages I have spent years in and the opportunity I have had to learn the ins and outs of the culture, the challenges and the joys of life in Zimbabwe.  I thought of abandoned babies and orphanages and child headed families.  

I didn’t know where to start so I pulled out that old envelope and all those old scraps of paper and I stuck them all around.  One by one they led me to the answers I had been looking for—or in some cases the right questions to ask, and my thoughts came together.  Some of those scraps of paper have been sent around the world by some of you, others are thoughts you sent me in text messages or emails. Some are things that wise old Zimbabwean women have taught me as we sat around a fire cooking or bent over tubs washing clothes.   

One thing I know, not one lesson has been learned in vain and certainly all things work together.

4.       9. Remember the details

I grew up in a church that is fabulous.  My grandma still attends this church weekly, as do some very special friends of mine and it is a joy to church there when I am in Michigan.  The church is big, and I left there a long time ago—when I was 17.  I did not know the pastor personally, but I sent him an email because I wanted to thank him for his life’s work… to thank him for providing a place for me to learn some of the fundamental truths that have led me to where I am today.  I had the pleasure of having several meetings with him as I was back and forth to Michigan this year.  

In one meeting my heart broke and I wept telling him one of the stories that changed my life here -the story of baby Edward’s death.  

Edward was an abandoned baby that I spent months holding, loving and feeding until one week when he got a fever.  Edward lived his entire life in a hospital and yet he died because of lack of medical care.  When I walked in to check on him one morning I was told that he was dead from an infection, rage filled me.  When Nyasha and I had left a few hours before that, we had been told that the doctor was coming—as we had been told for a couple of days.

Months later I wept retelling the story because of a painful truth- Edward died because no one cared enough to take care of him. He didn’t die because of lack of medical treatment.  He died because no one loved him enough to ensure access to the things he needed. 

I told Pastor Doug this story and many others as he asked about my work and my life in Zimbabwe.

Weeks later Pastor Doug brought me in front of the congregation to say good-bye as I was heading back to Zimbabwe.  He recounted the story I told him and as he said “baby Edward” my heart jumped.  He remembered his name.  The nurses who cared for him forgot him name within days, and yet this man who never met him remembered. 

I learned a lesson when Pastor Doug remembered the details of this baby's short life… it is often in the little details that we show how much we care for the least of these. 

 A week or so ago I was visiting an orphanage that I often spend time at, and as I arrived there were a group of people there playing with the kids.  They were doing a good thing: playing, cleaning, ironing and giving the overworked mommies a break.  As I greeted each child by name one of the visitors said, “That’s a lot names to remember.” Yes, it is, but when I see the eyes of a child light up when I say his or her name I am taught that it is worth it to remember the detail

Last words...

"Beloved, God has never failed to act but in goodness and love. When all means fail—his love prevails. Hold fast to your faith. Stand fast in his Word. There is no other hope in this world."

This was the last sentence of the last blog posting that David Wilkerson would ever write.

This is a man who has influenced and inspired so many people around the world.  He was brave and strong and fought the good fight and because of that, the world is a better place.


I love that the last thing he would ever write to us is so timely.  Even in death, our God never acts out of a place other than goodness and love.  He can't, it's just who He is.  I love that even from heaven tonight Pastor David speaks to us and tells us to grab hold of faith and the Word... the only hope for the world.


Again I am reminded of the question on my heart, "Who do I want to be in this story".  Tonight my heart also asks, "What does my life speak to the world?" 


May his family find comfort in this painful time and prayers go out for his wife who is in critical condition tonight.