What I am reading: A MILE WIDE

Hatmaker’s new book, AMile Wide: Trading a Shallow Religion for a Deeper Faith, is a new take on the old saying “An inch deep and a mile wide” and a fresh look at Jesus’ parable of the soils.  He says, “We can’t out dream God.  His desire is that we would each live our greatest story.  A story that only He could author.” His words reminded me that even while living a life I clearly know that God is authoring, I need to allow time and space to remember what it actually means to be a disciple.  I need to allow time and space outside of church services, Bible studies and meetings with church “insiders” to spend time with the people Jesus pursues. 

You will NOT regret buying this book! 

For the past ten years I have been serving as a missionary in Zimbabwe providing psychosocial support to precious orphans and vulnerable children and the amazing people who care for them.  During that time I have gotten married, started the process of adopting a (now) 12 year old and had a baby.  We have worked with countless churches and Christians from many denominations.  We have seen miracles and we have held babies as they have died or wept with parents as they morn the most horrific losses. 

During these 10 years my heart has burst with joy and disbelief that we get to be a part of a life like this and my heart has broken at the injustices we have witnessed.  During all of this, I have tried to balance the life I have had as a privileged American with my experiences in Zimbabwe.  My friendship with the Hatmakers (in my mind--through their books, sermons and blog posts) has made that formidable task a bit less daunting.  

I received an I received an Advanced Readers Copy of Brandon’s book, AMile Wide, in exchange for my honest review.  In the most authentic way, my heart has felt rejuvenated as Brandon clearly articulated biblical truths that I have been wrestling with in my daily life.  I am so grateful for the words he put on each and every page.  A couple of months before I was given this book, my husband and I fell to our knees, wanting to give up, to live a more “normal” life. 

I read Brandon’s words, “To truly present ourselves to God is to give a blanket commitment.  It means we choose his ways over our ways before the dilemma even begins.” We might adopt this to be our family motto for 2016 as we walk through unprecedented food shortages, banks refusing to allow cash withdraws in a cash based society and the increased violent crime rates as people become more desperate by the day.  I needed to be reminded the meaning of the commitment I have made in times that are harder than I signed up for.

Brandon’s new book is a must read for anyone who has grown weary in their busy life or for anyone longing for a deeper sense of community.  I highlighted something on EVERY. SINGLE. PAGE.  I am not even kidding.  It’s just that good.  There is no crazy revelation, just the reminder of who God is, who we are and why we need each other. 

Love.Love.Love.Love.Love.Love.Love.Love.Love.Love.Love.

Things are even more difficult in this place we are living today than they were when I started reading this book and yet somehow these words I have read encourage me to keep going, to find my identity in Christ and to share these things I am struggling with in the trusted relationships in our community.  This is the joy of being in Zimbabwe for me: that although I am an outsider in every imaginable way, when I choose to be vulnerable in my relationships here—about my struggles, my fears and my failures; all the differences fall away and deep, authentic relationship is formed.  Thank you Brandon for reminding me why our family is here and why these relationships are so valuable. 

You will not regret buying this book.  Honestly, buy one and read it.  Wrestle with it. Highlight it. Dog ear the pages. This is a book to be lived.  And then buy a copy for a friend that needs these words too, because they are for all of us.  No matter where we are in our faith journey.  No matter what time of soil we are today, there is something for us in these pages! 

Team Chari: Father's Day

Father's Day seems to come around SO fast every year.

Growing up, Father's Day was challenging for me.  It was so hard to find the right Father's Day card when you aren't living with your dad.

Today, I know that I was so blessed to be raised by my dad's parents.  My grandma and grandpa were amazing parents.  The love they showed to my brother and I remains one of the most influential factors of my life.  However, that didn't make it easier on days like Father's Day when I would field questions from others like, "Why don't you live with your mom or dad?" or "Where is your dad?" or the WORST, when making a craft at school or church, "Why are you writing Grandpa?"

Now, Father's day is the day I get to celebrate my husband, the father of our children and it is WONDERFUL.  I love celebrating the way he loves his girls and the fabulousness of his fathering.  It is also the day I get to celebrate my dad, the forgiveness we have experienced and the life we know today.  It's also the day I get to remember my Paw, and the amazing love her wrapped me in for 19 years.  These are GREAT things to celebrate.

For our girl Ru, who has never met her biological father, Father's day brings up some BIG emotions. Emotions that are familiar to me and my history.

This weekend we had they privilege to process some of those with her. It wasn't easy but it was good.  Being sad and angry TOGETHER, is so important.
I read this and Nyasha and I related to this so very much,

Carissa Woodwyck wrote this on facebook:

"uhhh! you know what's still so hard to hear from an adopted person? "why did my parents not keep me?" i think you can be an adult or a teen or a young child and still wonder, still question, still doubt, still ask "WHY?"

it's so hard to understand, to make sense of, the reality that your first parents - the two people who created you - didn't do everything they could to keep you. and maybe for some they did do everything. and maybe for some they didn't do everything. some of us will never know.

confusing. and it's like there's this gaping void consumed with a huge cloud of WHY.

and then you hear:

but,

God intended for you to be with our family.

God planned for you to be in our family.

God wanted you to be loved by us.

a BUT before an explanation will never work, will never satisfy, will never help.

and then adding GOD in the explanation? that will never work and never satisfy and never help either.

because what kind of God does that? to you? because what kind of God makes first parents not stay? not fight? not do everything they could to keep their child, to keep us?

and so our language has to be so, so sensitive and so, so carefully said - not to protect a child from pain, but because a child needs to know that God is IN the pain.

because God never authors pain.

never.

he grieves...for what happened...to us...with us.

and that's why as parents, it's our job to do the same - let the confusion and anger and bitterness and contempt and sorrow and questions and doubt linger...as long as they need to.

because if we rescue a child from their feelings, they will do what so many do in front of me: dismiss their own pain, tell me, "i don't really care about them, about what happened."

and i'll have to look them in the eye and tell them this:

oh, bud...what happened DOES matter. and, what happened wasn't your fault. what happened to you - the reality that they didn't stay, that they didn't keep you - wasn't your fault. but it DOES matter. you get to feel mad. you get to feel sad. and i'll be mad and sad with you. and, together, we'll find a path through all of the mad and sad, and hopefully find our way to not only naming more of the mad and sad that's inside you, but also, at the very same time, find all of the glad and good inside you (and your first parents), too. and guess what? all that happened? that wasn't from God. that's not the kind of God you have to follow or believe in. and, ahhh! i can't wait to show and tell you about a different kind of God - a God that loved you and longed for you from the beginning of time.

and then i'll get to see a little relief, a little surprise in their sweet eyes.

friends - we must go backwards so we can go forwards, well.

holding the strong and tender hearts of adopted young children and teens and adults tonight."

This is the thing for our family this year: It's ok to grieve those we have lost --even if we lost them before we can remember.  It's ok for our family to grieve with us, they can be sad and mad for our loss even though that loss helped to bring us together.  It's ok for us to acknowledge that God is grieving with us too.

Grief is a part of life.

Grief honors what was and allows us to move more freely into what it.

Dear Lord, Please help me to never be afraid to lean into my the tears of my children.  Let me never feel hurt by their expression of loss.  Let me always remember that before me there was another and that this loss has left everything as it should not be.  Let me always remember that you alone are the Redeemer of the broken pieces.  Amen.

Love Looks Different

This weekend we celebrated Valentines Day.  My husband did a great job of making his girls feel special! He brought us home these gorgeous, long stem red roses.  One each for the girls and a dozen for me.

Love looks different in every home.  When I first started dating Nyasha he would bring me a treat every time we would go out.  A chocolate or something.  I never understood why he never got me flowers-- until we had a chat about it and he laughed.  He didn't think I would like flowers.  It's funny how we express love differently-- especially in the gifts we choose for each other.

This weekend we also had to talk to Ruth about the fact that her dog has been missing for a week.  Last weekend Vivienne was admitted to hospital with a very high fever.  She had tonsillitis and the admitting doctor suspected pneumonia.  Thank God, he was wrong and her pediatrician came to see her and quickly discharged us and allowed her to heal at home.

The short hospital stay was traumatic for her and for me.  It took several attempts to place the IV and my poor little babe that we brought in quiet and lethargic was screaming wildly. 

When we returned home we found that Ruth's little dog, Lucy was missing.  This dog has been Ruth's best friend for years.  Lucy is annoying and needy to everyone who walks in the door but to Ruth, she represents all that is good in the world.  Lucy has helped Ruth learn how to give and receive love and nurture in a way that only one who doesn't disappoint can.  Lucy lights up with Ruth walks in the door and the same is true of Ruth when Lucy walks in the door.

On the hard days when Ruth is bound to be sad and struggling to process her emotions, Lucy sits with her and cuddles. On the happiest days when Ruth just wants to run and play, Lucy is quick to follow Ruth wherever she wants to go.

Lucy has never held a grudge when Ruth couldn't connect.  Lucy has never caused Ruth any pain.

Telling Ruth that Lucy has gone missing is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

She cried herself to sleep and so did I.

Ruth woke up differently than I expected her to.  She woke up and asked if we could make breakfast and then go look for Lucy.  She had a plan and was hopeful.  As the day wore on, our search party of three grew tired but Ruth never lost hope. 

When we got out of the car after visiting vets, animal shelters and covering our neighborhood in fliers I saw a not from her to Lucy that said, "Don't worry Lucy we will find you."

I do not know if we will find Lucy.  My heart hurts for the sadness of my little girl. Our home feels less full without our annoying little princess of a dog.  I want to believe that Lucy could still miraculously return home.  One thing I do know is that this little dog has served our little girl so very well.  In a way that I will never cease to be grateful for.  Lucy was without a doubt a gift straight from God.

Love looks different in different times, places, seasons and lives.  Love is an action.  The greatest act of love was Jesus's birth, death and resurrection.  This Valentines Day, for our family, love looked like a search party.

Please pray for Ruth's heart.  As she grieves for her dog, so much other grief resurfaces.  Our little girl has lost so much in her short life and it is all brought to the forefront today.  Ruth has been praying that wherever Lucy is, that she is safe.  She is praying that Lucy comes home.  Please join us in those prayers.

Love from Zimbabwe,

Gigi

Black History Month #1: This Little Light of Mine

This year, during black history month I am committing to learn and share something new with my kiddos each day.  We started with "This Little Light of Mine."

I grew up singing this song in a basement of Taylor Center Baptist Church in my Aunt Letha's Sunday school class.  It was always one of my favorites although I am not really sure why.  I remember She taught us little hand gestures to go with it and all.

For some reason I had never really learned or paid attention to the fact that this song was one of many that resonated deeply and became a part of the Civil Rights Movement.  I read that the song also found its way into the Civil Rights movement when Fannie Lou Hammer added it to her repertoire with songs like Go Tell it on the Mountain, and We Shall Overcome.  

Vivienne loves music, she has a wide range of favorites (Uptown Funk being one of them) but she loves worship music often raising her tiny arms at church when Mercy leads "Good, Good Father." When we listened to a few versions of this song together she lit up and danced away.  We ended up singing it all evening together and praying that both her and her big sister will always let their light shine. 

I want my kiddos to feel pride in their various shade of brown skin.   I want them to see that although their father is black African and their mother is white American, they will often be considered "African American" by a system that doesn't have a box for them. I want them to know that this adopted heritage is rich and beautiful.  The stories of the strength and fortitude of those who came before them who refused to accept a world that wanted to dim the light of an entire people group is filled with inspiration.

I am going to try to find the time to share a bit about what we are learning here, but for today please enjoy this version of This Little Light of Mine that was sung on David Letterman on his first show after 9/11. 

“Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.” (Matthew 5:16)

Answered Prayers and Accomplished Goals

An interesting question was asked by someone I follow on Twitter this week.... He said that he is starting work later in the day than normal this week and his goal is to make it to the gym each morning.  He posted "What is your goal this week?"

I immediately stopped and put everything down and asked myself, what is ONE goal I can set for myself this week that has nothing to do with my current to-do list.

The first thing that popped into my head was that I wanted to do something to help someone that is a complete stranger to me.  So I picked up my phone and replied to his tweet and said, "My goal is to do something to help someone who is currently a stranger to me!"

I then took a few moments to just sit quietly and I asked God to make a way for me to accomplish this goal.  To put a complete stranger in my path that I can help... and not just help like "walk an old granny across the street" kind of help.  I asked boldly for someone to come into contact with me that needed help in a way that clearly I was CREATED to help them with.

Tuesday went by and nothing obvious happened. I went to an AA meeting and met some people, only a few of which were strangers to me, but I didn't help anyone in any way that I could see at least.

Wednesday morning I went to the grocery store. It was the first time in ages that I wasn't annoyed at this task, mainly because I went early in the morning on a week day and the shop was empty!  As I was in the queue at the till, a young man greeted me. He said "Auntie Regina, how are you?" I have no idea who he is, but I said hello and told him I was well and made some small talk until it was my turn to check out.  I paid and then walked to Nyasha's car and loaded my groceries in.

As I was getting ready to drive away, I stopped to load airtime in my phone.  As I did, there was a knock on the window.  This same young man was there and I rolled down the window and he said, "Auntie Regina, if someone wants to stay away from drugs, how do they do that?" and I said what my very first sponsor would have said to me when I was 19 years old and wanted an easy answer, I said "Well I guess they would just stay away from drugs.  It's simple but it's not easy-it's very hard." Then he said, "Well I need help, I just got out of rehab and I need to learn what to do." So I gave him my phone number and said that I've been there, I've learned what he needs to learn and that if he would call me I would introduce him to some guys that have learned how to stay clean to."

By the time I drove those three minutes back to my place, I had thought of what those early times were like. They were horrible.  I had to give up everything I ever loved, I had to reconstruct my whole life in order to stay sober. It was not easy, but it certainly was simple: STAY AWAY from people that use, STAY AWAY from people who sell, STAY AWAY from parties and bars, STAY AWAY from anyone who isn't helping you grow healthier.  I have learned that the only way for a TRUE addict to stay away from what they are addicted to is to STAY NEAR to God.

God answered my prayers that day...and I think he might have answered another persons prayers as well.  Hopefully I will be able to help this young man practice what he learned in rehab...

With Love From Zimbabwe,

Regina

a father's love

I spent this weekend with a group of recovering alcoholics from Southern Africa in a beautiful area of Zimbabwe.  It was just what I needed... 3 days without cell phone service and lots of sunshine and great conversation.

The highlight for me was visiting this little stone chapel, on a cliff overlooking Lake Mutikiwiri.  I was told that I must see it.  When I got there, it took my breath away.  It was a VERY small chapel and the story on the door explained that a daughter had asked her dad to build her a little place to get married in.  He did, and before her wedding day she was killed in an accident.  He finished the little chapel as a memorial of love to his baby girl.

It was so special just to sit in this lovely place and be reminded of what a father's love really means.  For me, I thought of how much God loves me as a father.  As I sat in this chapel overlooking the lake I thought of all of the things God has given me, for no other reason than to show me His love.

A few minutes later a group of Indian men who came from Durban for the convention came into the chapel.  Most of them are Hindu and a couple are atheist.   We talked about the chapel and joked that I should get married there to cut down the guest list and dramatically save money!  Then they got serious and asked me to pray for them.  I was a bit nervous and they said, "Just pray how you normally do, we want you to." So I did.  I closed by saying "In the name of Jesus" and when I looked up these men had big smiles on their faces. 

I reciprocated and asked if they would pray for me and I was met with silence.  One bold man said, "We don't know how to pray, we only know the AA prayers." So we held hands and said the Lord's Prayer and the Serenity Prayer.

It was such a special moment, but I walked away feeling sad.  I am eternally grateful for my relationship with God.  To be able to come to God as my father and speak to Him about anything that is on my heart is a privilege.  It is my desire for everyone I come into contact with to be able to have such relationship with God as well.  The rest of the weekend, every time someone would walk past me when I was in conversation with one of these men, they would stop them and say, "This woman prayed for us" as if it were a precious gift they had been given.

I am so grateful for the reminder that God has given me so many special gifts as a father, but most importantly He gave me himself... and that relationship is by far the most precious gift I have ever received.

Lessons from my life as a 31 year old (Part one)

Tomorrow is my birthday.  I will be welcoming in my life as a 32 year old… Although there are some gray hairs growing in and a few more wrinkles, I don’t really see how 32 looks much different than 31, but as I thought about what I learned this past year I thought I would share some of those lessons here:

1.       1. God loves me. And you. The most. But Equally.

We all long to be treasured.  I long to be treasured. I am treasured. I am God’s favorite possession—I learned that this year, but so are you.  Every single one of us can stand and say that we are the most important thing to God.  It has been pretty life changing for me to allow that reality to wash over me.  Once I began to feel treasured, and to see how much He truly treasures each of us, I no longer needed to be the MOST special… I became far more comfortable sharing that spot with you too!

I am also then free to live out my purpose—because being loved by God leaves me motivated.  Having a purpose –serving God-brings me joy. 

George Bernard Shaw said, “This is true joy in life, the being used up for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.” 

My true joy doesn’t just come from being loved and treasured.  My true joy comes from doing something with the motivation brought about by the catalyst of love.

2.      

  2. Love can hurt or it can heal. 

I have fallen in love with a song from a movie I saw with my Aunt Laura and cousin Amanda. These two women are so very special to me.  But for a long time I had little to no contact with either of them. When my parents divorced my relationship with my mom’s family fell apart.  The loss of love between my parents had a ripple effect that I still don’t understand.  This song says “You can be hurt by love or healed by the same….timing is everything”

Love is a powerful thing.  The words to this song ring true for me because I have walked through several periods of my life where love has hurt SO badly.  I am walking through one now.   

Mother Teresa said, “I have found the paradox that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.” I believe her.  I believe that when you love someone enough to withstand the difficult times that hurt, you eventually get to a place where the love heals the hurt.  The hurt that love can bring is real.  So is the healing. 

3.        3. Sometimes our past hurts can prevent us from receiving what we want most.

I was recently having a conversation with Nyasha about the love we received from our parents and I was sharing stories about my grandpa.  As I told the stories I could feel how real his love was for me.  But I can also remember as a little girl, feeling differently.  I desperately wanted to be loved, to feel the love of a father and mine was not really around.  When my grandparents would do something to show their love for me (basically every day) I didn’t feel lavished in love.  I felt they were loving me and caring for us out of some obligation they felt.  I was so hurt by the hole my parents left that I couldn’t receive what was being offered to me—even when it was the thing I wanted the most.

Today as God continues to heal the pain from my past hurts, I can feel loved just by sharing a memory.  I wonder how often I have missed the love God has been showing me because of a hurt I am carrying. 

4.       4. Forgiveness costs.

I don’t often watch Oprah, but I caught a show one day when I was in the States and Oprah was telling a girl, “Forgiveness is letting go of what could have been.” I will never forget how my heart opened that day.  Accepting what is. Letting go of what could have been.  Loving someone for who they are, not what you want them to be. That is real love.  It is hard. It is costly.

When I teach my parenting class, I have to teach about marriage as well. I am not married (yet) so I rely on the wisdom of those who are.  An author that I respect says this, “Forgiveness is a decision to give up your perceived or actual right to get even with or hold in debt, someone who has wronged you.” (From fighting for your marriage) It is a decision to sacrifice, it is just as costly as forgetting a financial debt when someone owes you money.  They both cost. 

I read this and think it is beautiful.  It was written by a woman who was publically humiliated when she learned that he husband (a pastor) was having an affair.  “Love is powerful enough to erase a person’s sins.  Love is forgiveness.”

This year I have learned that forgiveness is costly, and yet it brings with is something priceless: peace and freedom and REAL, TRANSFORMING LOVE.

5.       5. We are all Shunamite women

There is a small story about a woman in 2 Kings Chapter 4.  This woman was kind and generous to the prophet Elisah.  He wanted to bless her and found that she didn’t have a son.  So he told her “Next year you will hold your son.” Her response was strange to me.  She said, “Do not lie to me.” I imagine this as her looking at him with immense sadness, saying “I didn’t ask you to go there- why bring up the most painful thing, that deep desire that I have hidden in my heart from everyone, please don’t bring that up- don’t go there.” 

I think I am a Shunamite woman, I think we all are.  I believe we all have deep desires- some of which have not been filled yet.  I think we probably all have something we desire that is so precious to us that we hide it, ignore it, try to detach from it so that we don’t have to feel the pain.  The people closest to us might know not to go there in conversation, or they may not even be privileged to know of that deepest longing.  But we know it’s there: things like career success, restored relationships, marriage, babies--big life things.  We can’t hide from it, we will notice things that remind us that we are missing out.  This woman probably saw babies everywhere she went and it probably hurt.  She may have finally hidden that desire so deep in her heart so she could try to move on.  And then here comes Elisha putting it out in the open, bringing it to the surface and giving her encouragement to hope again.  But she did hope and she got her son. 

To hope again after disappointment is to risk being hurt again.

This year I have learned that I have something in common with this woman...I have a deep desire hidden away from the world.  What I am STILL trying to learn, is how to respond in faith the way she did. 

A few years later when her young son died in her arms, when she looked down and saw her dream that she had held after such a long of  wait fade away.  How would she respond? She placed him in bed and told no one. When her husband asked why she was going to see Elisha she simply said, “It will be well.” 

She didn’t scream and shout about how unfair life was that she waited so long for something, until she finally gave up hope and learned to live without a child, and then this man comes by promising her she will have one and she hoped again.  And NOW her child has been taken from her.  She could have went on and on about the injustice of the situation, but she didn’t.  She went to Elisha and when his servant asked how things are she said again, “It is well.” I think she was afraid that if she spoke of the situation she might explode.  Finally when she saw Elisha she let it out- she asked him “Did I ask you for a son? Didn’t I say to you, ‘Do not deceive me.”  She refused to leave without him and when he arrived home with her, she received a miracle and got her son back.  

What I am hoping to learn is that even when I see the thing I longed the most for die in my arms, to be able to say, “It will be well.”

I am my mother's daughter - redeemed.

Today I had the pleasure of speaking with a group of women, mostly mothers who are in a long-term inpatient rehab facility.  I was invited there by a new friend who thought the women would like to hear some of my story.

My heart broke for a group of women that I didn’t even know, because I know the pain of a mother who is separated from her child because of her addiction.  I know the pain, because it was the pain of my mother.
As much as my heart hurt because I missed my mother, she was hurting too.  It has taken me a long time to understand that… to feel compassion for her.

Mother’s day is around the corner and I have a special love for mothers.  I have been blessed to have many mothers in my life, women who have come along side of me to walk through life with me, in a way that my own mother never could.  Because of these women I have learned what Maya Angelou meant by, “A mother’s love liberates.”

Today, as I was sharing some of my story with these women, hoping to encourage them on their own journey to recovery, I was reminded of how much my life has changed.  I feel so blessed to have experienced all that I have so far, but more blessed to realize that God is the hero in this story, and that all of the glory is His.
The word that I see woven all through this story of my life, is ‘Redeemed’.  One definition of redeemed that I love is this: to restore the honor, worth or reputation of.  I couldn’t redeem myself; I needed someone to help repair my honor and reputation. God did that for me… He continues to do that for me.  I relate daily to the scripture that says, “He has redeemed my soul from going to the pit, And I will live to enjoy the light.”  

Today, I live to enjoy the light… but I can remember what it feels like to be in the pit.  Perhaps that is why I can still relate to women who feel they are there, experiencing some of their darkest moments.  I love seeing their teary eyes fill with hope when they hear that the redemption I have received is freely available to them as well.
 
Today as I shared my story, the story of me and my mother, I saw a beautiful thing happen.  I saw a glimpse of the bigger picture.  I saw the pain being healed and the ashes being made beautiful.  Today as women came to me, thankful for the messages I shared, I got a glimpse of my mother’s legacy.  And for maybe the first time ever, I was proud of her.  I am my mother’s daughter.  And the product of the love of a group of women who stood in the gap and gave me what my mother couldn’t.   I know this truth, “There is an instinct in a woman to love most her own child - and an instinct to make any child who needs her love, her own.”  ~Robert Brault

For anyone who is a mother, Happy Mother's Day.

My thoughts on the death of Osama Bin Laden...

Ever since I first heard the news last night that Osama Bin Laden was dead, that the military had finally captured him, I have had mixed emotions.  I felt conflicted- relieved that we can stop talking about the search for him and yet sad at the idea that a man who caused so much pain and death has met his death and will now face judgement. 


One thing is true, I will not rejoice or celebrate his death.  His death does not make me feel safe nor does it make me feel relieved.  I do not feel any more or less protected than I did yesterday... I have however felt saddened by the facebook and twitter posts that are celebratory, as if we have won something.  I have thought multiple times over the past 24 hours that if someone murdered my relative and was being executed --would i go to watch? Maybe.  Would I be dancing in the street and throwing a party? Probably not.  I am not sure that I would feel as if I've won anything and that is how I feel now.  I do not feel as if his body is a prize.  I was struggling with my mixed emotions and then I read this, from a blog of a friend of mine that I respect greatly.  He wrote,


"Death is the most powerful weapon at our disposal. It was Bin Laden's greatest power - death and the fear of the death. Today we see that it is America's great power. His reign was ended with his own weapon. It has always been this way. The kings of the earth kill one another. Some will argue that there are times when killing is justified. I am torn on that matter. What I do know is that the world runs on the fear of death.

Our King understood this. So, he attacked the biggest enemy itself. Our King died to beat death. While every other King who has ever lived used death to gain power, Jesus the Christ died to gain power. And our King is the only King to ever beat death"


Today I am reminded of a quote spoken a long time ago by another man that I respect...Martin Luther King jr.  He said, "I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that." ~MLK jr.


I do not believe in hate. I do not believe in murder.  I do not believe in vengeance.  I believe in LOVE. I believe in forgiveness.  I believe in justice.  I believe in hope. I believe in LOVE.  


I believe that there has only been one death that has ever brought peace.  It did not happen last night, but it was celebrated by many last week.  


My heart aches for everyone affected by September 11 and the events that have followed.  I believe every American has been.  At the very least, we have been made afraid... very afraid.  But the death of Osama Bin Laden cannot erase the fear of death, not in my opinion.  Only Jesus can do that.  I am proud to be an American.  But I am a Christian first, an American 
second... my journey through life in Zimbabwe has taught me that.


This is just my opinion... I will leave you with a few thoughts of my biggest hero, and you can form your own.


"As sure as I am the living God, I take no pleasure from the death of the wicked. I want the wicked to change their ways and live. Turn your life around! Reverse your evil ways! " Ezekial 33:11 (MSG)


"I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of." John 10:10 (MSG)


“You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’and hate your enemy. But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!" Matthew 5:43 (NLT)

Forgiveness-- who I want to be.

"Life is so much more than mere existence. Faith lifts us above simple existence and gives us true meaning and purpose, ESPECIALLY in times of suffering."  Gayle Haggard from Why I Stayed.

I have been reading a book by Gayle Haggard.  It is the story of her life and marriage.  Her husband Ted, was the center of a very heartbreaking and public betrayal.   Her story of forgiveness is a beautiful picture of how we are all meant to live.  She is inspiring me beyond what I could have ever imagined.

Several times in the books she mentions that on difficult days she would ask herself a question.  "Who do I want to be in this story?"  I have found myself asking this question more and more often lately as well.  And in those moments, my answer always leads me to an action that is loving and kind.  Because the truth of the matter is that I want to be a person that is more like Jesus: loving, gracious, forgiving and kind.  But sometimes I need a reminder, it doesn't always comes naturally!

Gayle also says that Love is forgiveness.  I am holding onto this today.  I want to be a person of forgiveness.

I have loved reading her story, and I have learned so much.  This quote means so much to me because it is true in my life.  My faith has given me a meaning and a purpose.  My faith has given me a LIFE.