It has been a long time since I have been able to blog. So much has happened that I am not really sure how to begin, I think I will just start a fresh and eventually fill in the gaps! I wasn’t blogging because I didn’t want to, I was in fact desperate to get online, but I live in Zimbabwe and internet isn’t always readily available! I have again been taught to be patient and to expect things not to work.
I love my life. I know that people think of being a missionary as a life of suffering and sacrifice for Jesus. There is no doubt that at times I have suffered. There have been a lot of tears and a little bit of fear, mostly on behalf of my boss and the others who feel responsible for me, but in comparison to the old timey missionaries or to people who are in places like China, I can’t imagine myself making a case for how much I have suffered. There is no doubt that I have sacrificed. I have given up my plans for my life, I have given up my home, time with my family and friends, my little dog, Rocky. I have given up my salary and my shoes. I have given up being trendy, I don’t even read fashion magazines anymore. I have given up sushi and eating out all the time. I have given up the life that I knew and took for granted. In doing so I gave up on me, on the me I knew, on the me I thought I was becoming.
BUT, what I have received in return is amazing.
I L-O-V-E my life. Despite the frustrations and the disappointments, they have been many, I am happy. Not the surface level, “this is a fun day” kind of happy, but the kind of happiness that you recognize even when you wake up and everything has been going wrong and you don’t even know what is going to come next and you realize that it doesn’t matter… nothing will take away the fact that you are blessed.
There is so much that I want, I want to get married, I want to have babies, I want to adopt tons of kids. I want to be recognized as a resident of Zimbabwe. I want my project to be able to operate without worrying about permits and law changes. I want to see my family more regularly, and I want to live with my dog. These things are major desires, but not one of them will make me any more or less happy that I am today.
I don’t know how that happened, but I know that on a daily basis I surrender my dreams to a God whose dreams are bigger and better than mine. It is hard to let go sometimes, but as I do I see more and more that it is impossible for a God that loves me to give me anything less than the best.
The best is good. The best fills me with joy.
I sacrificed all that I thought was good and was given something so much better in return.
I love my life. (Even when things don’t make sense)