Tonight I got a miracle!!

I experienced a miracle tonight. I visited a church that many of my friends go to and I had my world rocked, again!

I have been feeling off, not bad, but I have definitely just not been normal. I have chalked it up to being homesick and to the changes that are continuously taking place in my life. I have been praying about it, and it hasn’t gone away.

Tonight at church the pastor continued his series in the book of Mark. Specifically Mark 3:31-35. The topic was God’s will. After all Jesus said in the passage above, “Whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother.” One thing I know for sure is that if given the choice to be called a sister to Jesus or not, I am going to chose in. That part was a given for me.

Here is where it get’s tricky. He talked about a few things. The first being our prayer life. If you are anything like me, your prayers go a little something like this, “This is how I want my life to be ___________ (fill in the blank here), but if that’s not really how you want it to be, I suppose I will take your will.” God’s will is like a plan B to what I really want.

I don’t make new years resolutions, but I do evaluate my life each January. Not only because it is the beginning of a new year, but also because it is the anniversary of my sobriety and in turn a whole new life, and I like to take the month to reflect and set goals. This year I feel a hunger towards God’s will more than before. I find myself praying less about what I want and more about what He wants. I am asking in a more genuine to have him remove the things that are not of him and to help me be more like the example we have in Jesus. I want to love what Jesus loves and despise what Jesus despises.

We were then taken to Romans 12. I love the book of Romans, this book can inspire and renew me. I love the words grace and mercy and they are all over in this letter from Paul. Just read this passage alone: Romans 12: 1 & 2. It’s got a lot in those 2 little verses.
Here is what I see today: Because of God’s mercy, do not do what the people of the world do, be different, then you will know what God’s will is; and it is good, pleasing and perfect.
It has been more than a week since I have cried, it has been 9 days. Those who know me, might think this is odd…I am a crier. Tonight I wept. A deep weeping of sorrowful repentance to my savior and also the gratitude of a heart that once again received the gifts of grace and mercy.
I have been feeling homesick, or so I thought. Longing for the place and people that I love so much. I do miss them, but I wasn’t homesick. I was lonely for His good, pleasing and perfect will. Once you have known it, anything less will never be enough… don’t take my word for it…test it out, please!

Let me try and make a point somewhere among all of the babbling. Right here Paul tells us not to be conformed. I leave Zimbabwe and I come back to Orange County, California. If you ever want to live in 2 polar opposites, you might want to try these 2 places. In Zim, I live in a high density township (a ghetto), my neighbors are poor, they are my friends, they are my family. I spend my days praying with people who are really trusting God for their provision: for food, healing and even sometimes water! We sing songs about counting our blessings while we wait for the power to come back on. Now I am here, I don’t know my neighbors, but I know that they are not poor and when I thank God for a meal, I don’t really have to think about how or why he provided it. I might not even be hungry when I am eating it.

The pastor talked about an Albanian friend who said this, “Don’t let the world conform you. In America you get seduced and you don’t even know it.”

In my notes right after that it says this, “That is what this is…. That is the homesickness. I am being seduced away from the truth, that my spirit is poor and sick and that I need GOD, His love, grace and mercy for provision and healing.” I know that when I am in Zim because I ask for and see miracles all the time. Here I am coasting.

This pastor stated the obvious, that Jesus’ goal in life was to do God’s will. If we want to do God’s will, an obvious place to start is to do what Jesus did. He gave some examples, but the one that
made me weep was this: Forgiveness. Jesus forgave. He forgave wretched, ugly, too-bad-to-talk-about-openly sinners. Sinners like me. (This is where I start to weep, especially when I realize that I hold unforgiveness in my heart.)

As a child I was hurt by my mom and dad. In 1999 I went through a 30 day healing process with my mother while she died a miserable and very painful death. I have slowly been releasing the bitterness I hold for my father. If it were something tangible it would appear that I am letting go one finger at a time. Tonight, I believe I have let go completely. I do not want to take it back. I visited my family for 3 weeks over the holidays. I have been praying all year that God would help me interact differently with my dad. Those three weeks were difficult and I managed. I survived, we both did. I do not do well with surviving anymore… I expect to thrive. I know the difference and I was disappointed. I prayed about it and God has given me the opportunity to go back to Michigan (where my family lives) on Tuesday for a week. A second chance. Our God is the God of second chances. (Can I get an Amen??)

This is a really basic picture, but to me this example is powerful. My will is to be bitter and angry towards my dad. To remind him whenever I choose to, that he hurt me. To never release him from the consequences of that decision. To strip him of his role as my father because of his mistakes. God’s will on the other hand is for me to forgive him. To remember that I have been forgiven of equally, if not more heinous acts. To remember that when He forgave me, He didn’t strip me of my privileges and ground me for life, instead he promised a life that is so great, my mind can’t even conceive of it, he told me that He would give me the desires of my heart. He wouldn’t give me what I deserve, instead I would get more than I’ve dreamt of. He (the King of Kings) would adopt me and make me a princess!

Ouch. My will or God’s will. When I look at it like that I feel like an idiot.
But I don’t like to look at it like that, I like to hide it under things that seem a little prettier. Things like “justice” or “forgive and not forget”.

Tonight as I get ready to go to bed I am grateful that tonight, at CPC I was the recipient of a miracle in Orange County. For the first time in my life I have really, really forgiven my father. It is finished. I am choosing God’s will because it is good, pleasing and perfect. I know this because on more than one occasion He let me have my will and it was an absolute debacle. (That is a much longer story for another day)

I am writing about this, even though it is extremely personal because I think it is important. This is a lesson that I have to get right, not only for my relationship with my dad, but also for me to be able to complete the task I believe God is using me for in Zimbabwe. The kids I am trying to help are going to have to forgive their parents too. And after-all, it is pretty foolish to think that I can teach the kids that our community thinks of as the untouchables that they are princes that the King of Kings is waiting to adopt, if I don’t even believe it for the untouchable in my life.

Thank you for letting me share my miracle. I am no longer homesick; I feel loved, grateful and full of joy… but I still want to go home